weather or whether?

spirals

is it the weather? or am i just spiraling again?

why does every thought of mine start with a question?

i'm on the toilet seat again to feel like i’m doing something and ugh, the tap is not fully closed. i can't bring myself up to fix it. it's kinda depressing. was it me or someone left it on? does it even want to be closed? wait, taps don't have thoughts. i wish that girl i found cute isn't straight. what if she is? is it wrong to like her then? do i have to turn off my feelings like a switch?

why is everything so damn complicated? would my mom even like me if she knew? she doesn't even consider marriage to be something made for love. why is even the sociological definition of marriage that it's purpose is to make kids? what if i don't want kids? does sociology not respect my desires? are they not important enough to be labeled as something sociological rather than included in philosophy? i mean, philosophy isn't so bad. maybe, i should be studying that and not sociology. can i still change majors? man, a gap year would've been perfect. wait, is it because most of the sociologists were men, is that why the definition of marriage is what it is? i can't be wrong but yeah, i'll read about it. it's been long since i read a book. i fucked the last semester, those classics are the last thing i should pick up. i want to publish a book. yeah. right. the drafts. i can't write. how do i earn? i should learn how to drive. i'll take that girl for drives. i think she paints, maybe we'll go to that art workshop together even if i'm bad at it. i should learn how to paint so i can please her. am i actually over him to be thinking about her?

it is the weather, i think.

-dia