Entry 3

It was time I’d started accepting myself. But what I didn’t know was, accepting yourself did not look like they showed in those movie scenes and all those “life is good” reels. It looked messy, like rotting in your bed going all over the places with your head. Reliving every moment of your past and realising the implications of them now. To stay in that realisation and not distract yourself is what starting to acknowledge yourself looked like for me. I cried a lot, tried to wish if I could be different more nights than I’d wanna admit. And maybe I haven’t yet accepted myself as I am. Maybe I’m afraid of the part of me that still waits for love without willing to ask for it. Maybe I cannot accept something I haven’t found. I lost a lot of me in this process and even got lost on what my core values were. But again, I didn’t lose my ability to think, well, overthink. There is always a strange comfort in thinking about something so mundane and small that you know most people tend to overlook. Like how there are always things to think about. There’s certainity in knowing I’ll never run out of things to think about and maybe I’ve always been a little too attached to it. “Love yourself before you love someone else” they say, but what if I love myself when I’m with someone else? What if I actually love feeling like I belong? What if I just don’t know I’m loveable until I’m shown?

There’s a lot i don’t know about me and that still stops me from accepting myself because what if i find out something that i don’t like about myself? Acceptance is embracing the unknown but when the unknown could be something that would change the way you see yourself and the others around you, it’s okay to be indifferent with yourself about it. Reflecting on my behaviour and how I handle certain situations and identifying my pattern of reactions is something I’ve started practicing recently and while it helps me understand myself a lot better, i still find myself unable to break the pattern. To be okay with trying for a long time is exhausting. To know you’re tired and still pushing yourself is hard. To show up everyday in front of people who don’t know you’re unhappy takes away all your emotional energy and it’s okay.

At the end, it all comes together and it all feels okay, even when you can hear chaos behind you. To know the chaos you left behind is what made you is acceptance.