Entry 1

There was this heaviness in my chest on 11th of October. I held it close to me every night. At midnight, there was a long man who told me not to move, I didn’t know if my eyes were open or closed. Morning didn’t seem so bright and the people around me were unfamiliar. I had everything I was once praying for but the weight didn’t lift off my shoulders. Nights I didn’t remember sleeping, days I forgot eating. How long has it been since I talked to someone who wasn’t sad? Where was my comfort toy when I wanted to be held? When I think about it, my mom is so strong because taking care of someone who didn’t want to wake up takes all of your energy and she barely had any. The world didn’t end when I cried too much but it felt close. Maybe I had too many distractions, maybe I didn’t have enough. I didn’t even have a fever but I felt sick. I think I’ve been sick ever since. There was guilt, anger, regret, love and so much I felt at once. When I went out after months, I couldn’t stop wondering if all the people I laid my eyes on ever felt loved. How do people live so casually and not with the cripling sense of anxiety if they’re doing enough or not?

“You’re never alone” they say. Well, maybe I am. Maybe no one will actually ever know the stories I was dying to tell them about but forgot about it all while I waited for my turn. Maybe I’ll be the only one who knows what it feels like to cry three hours before someone closest to them passes away while they are an hour away from you. Maybe I’ll let the heaviness consume my body and protect it to feel safe.